Zakky's Writing Blog



The document below is a written assessment I submitted to complete a module in my Certificate 3 Business Administration course.

  • The Paradis Café
  • 123 Fulham Road
  • South Townsville
  • Queensland, 4810
  • (A Proud Partner of SolidFry FrypansTM)

Dear Staff

Due to last week’s incident involving the kitten, the frypan and the firearm, we must re-evaluate our level of competency to provide a safe and healthy workplace. If you were not here to see the show-down between the kitten, the firearm and the frypan, please do not bother asking. That is an incident of extreme circumstances, and given the nature of it, will remain hush hush.

It is critical, that from today onwards, we take extreme caution to follow existing and newly processed health and safety policies and procedures. Under normal circumstances it is critical that we follow health and safety policies and procedures, and prudent to abide by government legislation, to ensure the health and safety of ourselves, our team mates, and our customers. However, now there is a kitten at large with one of our stolen firearms (the previous owner of the firearm has been promptly fired for his failure to follow the existing policies: “Do not bring guns or any dangerous utensils to work,” and “Do not bring weapons to work!”)

As I was saying, there is a dangerous murderous kitten in the vicinity, and it’s armed! Not to mention the Australian Health and Safety Commission is on our back, pressing for legal action, so please follow all existing and newly implemented safety procedures and policies, or Human Resources will be forced to hand you your Termination of Employment Certificate.

The newly implemented procedures will be effective tomorrow, the 29th of March 2018;

  • Ensure all doors leading to outside the premises are securely and tightly locked at all times!
  • All rubbish runs are to be completed in pairs after 6pm.
  • If there are any animals found in the workplace, either the kitchen or the dining room, please revert to evacuation protocols, as the animal may be a kitten, who may be armed with a firearm, and that my friends is a hazard of extreme risk.
  • If there are any animals found outside or near the premises, do not engage, call someone! Remain calm. Talk to your supervisor and the Health and Safety Officer on duty. Your supervisor will then get in contact with the RSPCA, Special Ops.
  • In the event the kitten manages to swindle us and demand money from the staff at the bar, all personal are to remain calm, follow the bad kitty’s instructions, be submissive, and hand over all money it requires. Once safe to do so, the supervisor or health and safety officer will contact the Police and RSPCA Special Ops.

The suggested actions above have been implemented to eliminate workplace hazards (namely one psycho kitten) and reduce risk (of being shot), so please re-read, take note and have a mental snap-shot of the new procedures.

The Health and Safety Officers regularly on duty are Geoff and Sandra. While it is a part of everyone’s responsibilities and duties to keep each other safe, Geoff and Sandra are here officially to look out for you and your colleague’s health and safety. Because of last week’s fatal shooting, you will be seeing a lot more of Geoff and Sandra around the workplace, conducting risk and hazard assessments, writing out new policies and procedures, and conducting further health and safety training to employees, yourself included.

If you need to get in contact with Geoff and Sandra, to raise any concerns, you will be able to find their contact number and email address in the Roster Journal.

Furthermore, if you identify any previously unfounded risks or hazards in either the kitchen or the dining room, do not hesitate to bring it up with your supervisor, or report it to Geoff and Sandra. Alternatively, you can write out a formal Hazard Identified Report and pass it on to your supervisor.

We will also be holding a Health and Safety Meeting tomorrow, on the 19th March 2018, and it is expected that all employees attend. During tomorrow’s meeting, and others that will be conducted throughout the year, we will be covering:

  • What procedures to follow if we hear a hazard that sounds particularly like a gunshot.
  • What procedures to follow if we hear a hazard that sounds particularly like a “meow”
  • What procedures to follow if you see a hazard that looks particularly like cat eyes by the dumpster.
  • The amount of risk that a murderous kitty cat poses to your health and safety: spoiler alert* it involves death.
  • How to use a standard SolidFryTM Frypan as Personal Protective Equipment.
  • How to minimise risk in the workplace with a SolidFryTM Frypan.
  • How to protect yourself from Lunatic Kitten related incidents in the workplace using a SolidFryTM Frypan.
  • Why we have to cross promote SolidFry products in our health and safety policies and procedures. I’ll give you a hint: Sandra and Geoff have been conducting some shady under the table deals with our insurance providers.

Because of the above reasons, it is important that you attend the meeting, and contribute to inspections and other health and safety conductive activities, so that we can minimise any and all risks and hazards in the workplace, and minimise the chances of the kitten re-entering the workplace. Your safety comes first! And as per Sandra’s favourite motto “Your Safety Comes First,” it is also a requirement under Australian Health and Safety Legislation that you have a sound knowledge of how to participate safely in the workplace.

For further information on health and safety policies and procedures, government legislation, and codes of practise, you can talk to our Workplace Health and Safety Officers: Sandra or Geoff, visit the Human Resources Team or get in contact with Fair Work Australia or Work Cover Queensland.

Workplace procedures for responding to emergency situations, including kittens on mass killing sprees, can be found in the black folder beneath the service bar, on the back of the door inside all public and staff toilet cubicles, and below all EXIT sign-age within the workplace.

In conclusion, your safety comes first, and through proper risk and hazard assessment, and by following company policies and procedures, all chances of an incident are minimised and reduced. And your safety is almost guaranteed.

Before printing this off, I’d also like to remind all staff of the importance of equipment checks. As you know our equipment is only as good as its pre-system checks by staff. Last month were able to avoid the explosion of the century thanks to Kelly’s prudence in system checks. Well done Kelly on identifying the stove’s gas leaks. We all owe our lives to Kelly on that one. Phew!


  • Stoves should be checked for gas leaks before use.
  • Dishwasher water should be checked every hour or so before commencing the cleaning of dishes.
  • Volume on the speakers should be checked before playing music – no one wants to go deaf David!
  • The Milk fridge should be monitored and checked before a service – worse case scenario is the fridge breaks and our customers all get poisoned from drinking cappuccino’s.

That is all,

Thanks Team

Zakky M-C

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